Puck U – Feel the Rubber

By THE CANADIAN PRESS

TORONTO – The Maple Leafs Ian White needed 20 stitches to patch a deep cut above his lip, but according to team physician Dr. Richard Bristle it was White’s thick whiskers that saved the moustachioed defenceman from a potentially face-altering injury.

“Let’s just say those three centimeters of hair covering Ian’s upper lip saved him from becoming a very ugly man,” said Dr. Bristle, “His moustache is basically like an extra piece of equipment.”

Despite the important role White’s moustache played, Dr. Bristle tried to shave the facial hair in order to have the diminutive defenceman stitched up, but White adamantly refused. “My moustache is the source of my strength, my manhood,” explained White, “it would be like cutting Sampson’s hair.”

The irony is that White’s moustache has been mired in controversy since he first unleashed it in November 2008. The Maple Leafs insisted he shave off the brown tuft because it was first grown to support White’s character of Dick Buttkiss for the adult films he was starring in with production company Shag Moustache Productions (see film trailer). White was then sued by football legend Dick Butkus for the misuse of his name and benched by Head Coach Ron Wilson because, as he said, “the only shaft Ian needs to worry about is the one he uses on the ice.” Injuries to other Leafs defencemen and White’s strong play forced Wilson to soften his approach and give White more playing time and he has not looked back.

This past summer, the Maple Leafs rewarded White with a three-year contract and he made sure to include a stipulation allowing him to continue sporting the moustache and appearing in the role of Dick Buttkiss. GM Brian Burke agreed, but added his own caveat stating that White could not make appearances in Shag Moustache Productions’ promotional junkets sporting the buttless chaps he is famous for wearing on the big screen.

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